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A Sister is a Gift

4/16/2014

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Sisters. Such a powerful little word. Depending on your experience, the connotation varies. ;) But, I always knew I wanted my daughter to have that experience - the experience of having a sister she could fight with, laugh with, cuddle with, get into trouble with, read with, create works of art with, and dance away with to her little heart's content. A guaranteed dynamic little duo.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Come on, all I do is fight with my sister!" and maybe that's true. As the eldest of nine siblings, having four sisters of my own, I also know that even if all you do is fight, your sister shares your history. If you grew up together, you know just where to jab during those fights because you share those filaments in that magical golden thread. In times of need, you can harken back to those inside jokes that lift your spirit because the heart knows that your connection is deeper than what you are willing to admit to yourself at times.

So, yes, I wanted all of that for my then only child. I remember how excited she was to find out she was going to be a big sister. The bright, loving baby girl of mine assumed the role proudly. Beaming. She waited in anticipation for her sister's arrival, and when she arrived in April of 2009, she was such a good sport about everything. Such a mature toddler. I sometimes find myself sobbing, reliving the guilt of not being completely available to her, having to split myself between home and the hospital for such a long stretch of time, while we waited for Tatiana to be released from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). Not knowing how to explain to my baby girl that her baby sister couldn't come home because she was not well. That she couldn't visit her baby sister because of the strict visitation policies meant to protect the fragile babies of the NICU. Searching in frustration for that perfect book to help me explain all of that while I was just making sense of it myself. Thankful that she got to meet her at least once before being restricted from entering the NICU.
She was so patient, finding ways to keep busy in the lobby while my husband and I took turns going from the lobby to the NICU. It wasn't easy. I was so thankful for my mom and family who took shifts entertaining her, both in and out of the hospital.

As an adult, I struggled to make sense of how and why my newborn baby girl was going through this. I can't even imagine how a three year old was making sense of it all.
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I often wonder how this effected them both in the long term. Both of my girls are feisty. No denying that, but they both carry this magical air about them. Both survivors in different ways. One a quieter, introspective force, and the other a fire to be reckoned with. Perfect for each other, in peace . . . and in chaos.
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    Throughout the process of navigating Tatiana's Journey, I came to realize how critical the creative process has been to preserving my own sanity -- from writing, to crafting, to sewing, and everything in between! In that spirit, I've decided to share some of my work in this space that has so often helped me make sense of my own journey. That's me and the big sis up there just in case you need a face to attach to the voice you find here. ;)

    Evolution of this Blog

    In those early, overwhelming moments, and into the present, several people have asked about Tatiana's condition and the events surrounding her birth.  This blog is, in part, my attempt to share what I can in an accessible space.  It is also my way of creating a written record that celebrates the miracles and and triumphs of life.

    This is, of course, a work in progress.  Writing is therapy and life happens, so bear with me as I go back in time to fill in the gap which now spans nearly a year in time and humor me as I pepper those stories with my own creative musings.


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